Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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