Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
