halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
