I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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