Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Your cock deserves a montage
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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