TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
