in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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