i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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