There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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