I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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