Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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