i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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