...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize