the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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