Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
