my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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