Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize