At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
