Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Randomize
