This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
