Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
