I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
