did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
