Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
