I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
please don't ironically join a cult
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