I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
