can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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