i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize