Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
