The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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