Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
