there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
