This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
