And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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