There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
