I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
