: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
