So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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