her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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