so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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