I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
