I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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