Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Two words: blizzard sex
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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