the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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