My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize