It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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