I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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