We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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