you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
