I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
