So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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