There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
