I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
