I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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