do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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