you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
high people should be assigned attendants
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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