Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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