I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize