I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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