You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
