so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
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